WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER NOT VOTE?!?!?!?

At any moment of the day, I could bore anyone around me with a list of things I find confusing and irritating about humankind. This is the primary reason why I, and like souls, complain a lot. We are sociological perfectionists, constantly beating our hopes and dreams for society against a relentless current of dumb behavior and idiocy.

Consequently, I like to think myself a bit of an expert in all the millions of ways people (myself included) can be stupid. WITHOUT A DOUBT, however, the number one thing humans do that makes NO SENSE TO ME (and this includes terrible things like murder, theft, writing a memoir at 19) is not voting. I get so frustrated when faced with people who don’t vote (ESPECIALLY YOUNG PEOPLE) that I find myself in the rarest of possible states: speechless. I tend to just repeat the question, “Why would you CHOOSE NOT TO VOTE!?!?!” with increasing irritation and volume until they either run away or agree to go register.

I’m just going to pause for a second and share this disturbing website I found: http://elections.gmu.edu/voter_turnout.htm

LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T VOTE! LOOK AT THIS, FOUR PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG, LESS THAN 1% OF ELIGIBLE VOTERS IN MAINE VOTED IN THE 2012 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY ( http://elections.gmu.edu/Turnout_2012P.html ). What. The. FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!

Let me go back to calmly explaining myself before I implode. I will admit, with shame, that I haven’t necessarily voted in every single election I could have since I was 18. Part of this is because I was registered in California though living in Illinois (I didn’t re-register because, in all truth, I really don’t care what happens in Illinois. As a state, I HATE ILLINOIS. And I love California. So I am going to vote there. Also, sorry if this alienates people from Illinois. You guys should still vote and all). I will also admit, as a moody college student, I had occasional bouts of “I’m too busy pretending to be a scholar to vote in the Santa Barbara school board election…SORRY.”

Thankfully this immature reasoning never prevented me from voting in a national or even state-wide election. But regardless, I admit I am not perfect, I have not been a Leslie Knope level citizen, and for this I apologize. Despite these minor hiccups in my voting record, I never once, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND, tried to make it seem cool that I wasn’t voting, or even justify it. I knew deep down, that I was acting shamefully.

While definitely some of Maine’s 1.03 million person voting eligible populace could have used one or two of their get out of voting free cards (as I did in college), I really, really don’t think that could be an excuse for 99.4% of them. I also don’t think most of the 98.9% of non-voting citizens in Washington were just having a bad day or forgot about the Republican primary.

What I am sure of, is that a lot of them probably just feel “overwhelmed” by politics and don’t want to play a part in it. Or maybe they just don’t think any of the candidates personally represent them and their feelings. Or maybe they just thought it was a little too inconvenient to walk two blocks to the community center and spend three seconds filling out a ballot. WHAT DOES THIS EQUATE TO ME? COMPLETE AND UTTER SELF CENTERED LAZINESS.

And you know what THE ABSOLUTE WORST IS? When people blame not voting on just “not liking politics.” Not to be be too blunt…but NO ONE LIKES POLITICS. I’m pretty sure not even politicians like politics. Everyone thinks it’s a headache, everyone knows it’s corrupt, everyone finds it confusing at times, but guess what? WE ALL (or at least .6% of us in Maine) get over it. Not liking politics isn’t some individual excuse you and you’re unbelievable laziness have earned the right to claim as your own. Not liking politics literally describes everyone I know. And guess what? MOST OF THEM VOTE. Sidenote: generally if you don’t like something, the best thing to do is do something to change it, like, I don’t know, VOTE.

VOTE VOTE VOTE! Or I will honestly not be your friend. AND NEITHER WILL P DIDDY.

Bye, bye, bye…CHICAGO.

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things, of wind and snow and lake effect, of homeless lust and QUEENS.

Okay, I’ll stop now. Really, what I’m trying to say, is that I’m getting out of the Windy City. Just like Alice leaving boring Britain and moving to Wonderland to chill with some people on Opium…I’m going back to SWEET HOME CALIFORNIA. As my first sentence of beautiful lyric poetry states, I will be saying adieu to terrible weather, really, really creepy homeless neighbors and my queen like friends (both in the homosexual way and the fabulous Beyonce way). SEE YOU IN SANTA BARBARA!!

(Un)Acceptable Coffee Shop Activities

I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Shockingly this is not just because of my massive caffeine addiction. It is also because I generally dislike activities that involve talking to other people. Spying on strangers while contemplating if you should write a poem about the tree outside the window and slurping (that is a joke I DO NOT SLURP I HATE SLURPERS) lattes is something most people aren’t interested in when you ask them to “hang out”.

Anyway, the point is I know A LOT about the sordid activities that go on in cafes all across America. That’s right, you may think the cute hipster sitting next to you is sketching a Botticellean inspired portrait of your languid form. Well….he’s not. HE’S PROBABLY TRYING TO RUIN THE WORLD.

What ARE these terrible things exactly? My friends, the list is practically endless. From people fielding cell phone calls as if the corner table is their corner office to publicly reading young adult books to bringing jam covered toddlers in and letting them run wild, our fellow human beings HAVE NO LIMITS. In fact as we speak, I am listening to an insipid conversation about “music technology” while watching a food smeared baby wave at everyone that walks by. Who cares if it’s cute? Coffee shops are NOT the place to start your life as an attention whore.

For the easily confused, here is a list of five basic guidelines for proper behavior:

1. Food and beverages are to be consumed QUIETLY. No one wants to hear your lip smacking as they attempt to write the next great American novel. This rule is ESPECIALLY applicable to children and old people.

2. Large group discussions about “important” world issues are prohibited. Cafes are places of refuge from people who like to pretend that everyone can afford a four dollar latte. Furthermore, it goes without saying that pretty much all of us hate neoconservatives and have white guilt. No need to broadcast it to the masses…THAT IS WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR.

3. If you see a young woman with curly brown hair, a red scarf and a dissatisfied expression on her face you NEED to buy her a drink of her choice and a muffin. THIS IS ESSENTIAL. Just trust me.

4. If you go on a first date to a coffee shop, just know all of the wanna be writers around you are listening to every word of your conversation and cackling with insecure glee when it appears you and your date are not a good match.

5. Sometimes baristas will subconsciously propose marriage to you and your friends. It’s usually just best to say no.

Back. BACK. BACK!!!

HELLO BLOG FOLLOWER! I am back. That’s right, after a four month hiatus filled with frozen sidewalks, job hatred, lots of money wasted on clothes, and a renewed appreciation for lying in bed and watching period dramas, I am thrusting myself (awk verb choice? I know…) back into the blogosphere! As my approximately three friends know, I have thought of so much to say throughout these empty 120 days of non internet rambling.

Let’s get some boring life updates out of the way first. In less then six days I will NO LONGER be a corporate retail employee. That’s right, I’m sticking it to the man! Protesting the low wages and awkward passive aggressive treatment by doing the seemingly impossible: moving back home to live with my mom!!!!Yeah, you bet you’re impressed. While home in California, I intend to save money for grad school and/or to move to NYC next year (aka not pay rent for six months). I also plan to spend a lot of time besting my archnemisis, my sister’s “cat” Violet.

Anyway, who cares about my future? I have things to say! Barriers to break down! SOCIAL NORMS TO PROTEST! Where to start? Obviously with an anecdote from my extremely privileged life as a college educated upper middle class white person:

So yesterday, while working the cash register at work I came upon a realization: working in service jobs (barista, salesgirl (or boy…NO STEREOTYPING HERE), waiting tables, stripping, etc.) is the modern equivalent of servitude. I know, duh. But listen, this observation doesn’t come from self pity but from HOURS of painstaking research on the relationships between British aristocrats and their servants (aka watching Downton Abbey 26 times, memorizing Gosford Park, reading “Remains of the Day” like six months ago.)

This has nothing to do with basic job expectations (though obviously they have a lot in common since both jobs have to do with SERVING other people). It more has to do with how people treat you. Despite working in retail since I was like ten (yeah Mom, why don’t you do some child labor research!?!?), I never really realized until yesterday that people treat you badly because THEY CAN, because they can get away with it, just like rich people treat their servants.

People were never nearly as bad at my mom’s store. Primarily because they don’t feel taken advantage of there (since prices are fair, unlike in virtually ALL corporate stores) but also because they know it won’t do anything for them. My mom and grandma openly don’t care if rude people don’t come back to their shop and consequently treat them accordingly. But for the past year and a half, I have worked somewhere very different. Somewhere that charges WAY WAY too much for their product AND forces their employees to be nice to customers, no matter what.

I couldn’t count the number of times people I have never met have barked orders at me: “Get this for me in a small!” “Ring me up faster!” “Help me put on this dress.” (that’s right, I’ve seen a lot more middle aged women in their underwear then I EVER wanted to.)  Once a woman almost made me cry because her blazer hadn’t been steamed properly. Another time, a kind gentleman called my coworker and I idiots because the type of juice glass he wanted was discontinued. One freezing December night, I was forced to carry someone’s extremely heavy and awkwardly shaped lamp to their car for them…a block away…without a coat….while they sat and listened to the radio.

I know I shouldn’t blame anyone but myself for this (I chose to work in retail after college/the economy sucked and there were no good jobs), but I also can’t help but be at least a little irritated at the lame gold coast biddies who have been trampling on my soul with their repetto ballet flats for the past year and a half. Even worse, I can’t help but be kind of disappointed (what else is new?) that people act like this. As if, since most no longer have a lady’s maid or a valet to vent all their personal frustration on, they have chosen to make the guy who makes their latte or the checker at the grocery store the person to verbally abuse.

NEWSFLASH: This is no longer Victorian England! EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY EXISTS!!! AS DOES SOCIAL MOBILITY! I’M PROBABLY SMARTER THAN YOU, STOP TREATING ME LIKE DIRT. Someday, I will accidentally say that to someone. And then I will be fired.

O’Brien, the ONLY person who understands me.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

This is a question I have NOT been asking myself about life’s enduring tragedies lately. WHY? you may ask, because a friend of mine introduced me to Sugar, the savior of human kind. Seriously, if Sugar and Glenn O’Brian reproduced the world would see the most miraculous child since Jesus. A shining beacon of style, honesty, humor and good writing. Basically, everything that matters.

This child would love Mama Mia!, hate professional industries, read a lot and choose a well stocked closet over good credit. In other words, this child would be me! Just kidding, that’s probably the creepiest thing I’ve ever said.

Anyway, let me tell you about Sugar. She is advice columnist for therumpus.net. I know what you’re thinking, advice columnists=dear abby wannabees=disaster. Not Sugar. First of all, she’s really smart. She’s a professional (aka successful, talented, non-self indulgent) fiction and essay writer. This, combined with the fact that she’s a woman, already guarantees she will be smarter then 98% of the human race. Haha!

She’s also incredibly compassionate, has extraordinary life experiences and genuinely wants to help people. More then anything though, she’s totally and completely honest.  If you’re acting like a whiney loser, she tells you. Not in a rude way, in a completely badass way that is literally impossible to ignore. She forces people to take happiness into their own hands, not live passively and complain about things that are their own fault.

Seriously, if approximately 97% of the loathsome, selfish, bad friend, back stabbing war criminals of the world read Sugar, they would probably become helpful, productive and law abiding citizens by her fifth column. Obviously the missing 3% is for sociopaths.

Okay, I have no more to say. Just check it:

http://therumpus.net/sections/dear-sugar/

PLEASE. I’m tired of being irritated with everyone.

TWITter for the Masses

July 17, 4 pm: New record player came in the mail! Headed to Urban Outfitters to buy some Nirvana.

4:05 pm: It is hot out.

July 18 7:29 am Got my Klout score. So influential!!! #egoboostersfordummies

5:35 pm Anyone have a good book to recommend? Just finished Economics for Dummies and Freedom.

5:43 pm @lameilliteratehipster You’re right, On the Road is THE TEXT of our time.

5:44 pm Whoops, just read on wikipedia On the Road was written in 1951. Good literature is timeless!

5:45 pm Why does my head hurt?

July 19 3:59 pm HAHAHA McDonald’s, you have the best advertisements.

6:48 pm Faygo on ice at the Trump Towers. Glam in the city! #Drinkcessorize

9:58 pm 5600 facebook friends! Who needs a job when I can just network?

9:59 pm It is hot out again. #itishotoutoften

4:00 am Why don’t I have a personality? #misplacingtheintricaciesoflifewithselfishquestions

 

Small Acts of Patriotism

1. Don’t give your American child a French or Italian name in a blatant attempt to make yourself seem cultured. It doesn’t work.

2. Sign my petition to make Chick fil-a open on Sundays. If the wheels of capitalism don’t stop for human rights, social justice, or the environment, then they shouldn’t stop for Jesus.

3. If buying a new house, make sure to choose one with columns and moldings. Thomas J would approve.

4. Read something not written by a white male.

5. Throw away any toe shoes within site. Being mistaken for aliens is NOT helping our international reputation.

P.S. Even though this says it was posted on July 5, it was totally on July 4. Hurrah!